You may or may not have noticed that I haven’t mentioned that book I was planning to put together from this blog recently. I was going to take a lengthy break from writing here to focus on it, but there was only a month between the post announcing that in January and my first one back in February. Whilst the book is still a New Year’s resolution, it might take a lot longer to get round to it than I’d initially anticipated, and this is probably because of the marked lack of motivation I’ve noticed recently.
Now, Mum might say that I never usually have that much get up and go anyway, but this is different, a whole new ball game. The simple fact of the matter is that aside from work, and the writing I do here and for the good folks at F1Today, there’s not an awful lot I can occupy my time with at the moment. Yes, I’m independent in my wheelchair and I could get on a bus and go where I wanted within reason, but that’s not all there is to it. There’s undoubtedly a gaping hole in my life today, indicating something missing – but try as I might, I just cannot put my finger on what that is. Whether it’s an activity, a person or contentment itself, it isn’t there and it needs to be put back again. Sooner rather than later, if that’s at all possible!
Speaking of people, I haven’t really seen any of my friends recently and that’s made this worse. It’s not anyone’s fault at all – rhey’re at university or busy in their own jobs and lives, but it’s still hard going without seeing a friendly face for weeks and sometimes months on end. When I look at it with that kind of timescale, it does hit home just how alone I feel sometimes, and the lack of companionship does affect my enthusiasm towards going outside. After all, what’s the difference between being alone in my own home, and being alone in the middle of town?
Yes, I realise I’m rambling and moping at this point – and what could possibly be more annoying for a reader, eh? But I feel like I need to say these things, because I can’t help but think that I beat about the bush a little too much. I need to find something or someone that’ll help me get my “oomph” back, so to speak. When it’s here, I’ll know about it, because I’ll be able to get up in the morning without being able to feel anything niggling at me. In the future, I’ll be able to pinpoint that stage as the point at which I was able to say, “everything’s all good”. I’m not asking for miracles or the perfect life – just for a good balance of everything, be it work, socialising or other miscellaneous projects. I just need to find the right catalyst, and I’m sure the absent spark somewhere within me will ignite once again.