One To One

Recently, when I’m on my own – perhaps on the bus to and from work, for example – I’ve found myself doing something that some people might perceive to be slightly bizarre. I remember Mum noting many years ago that I had a tendency to repeat words under my breath after saying them, and although I’ve no idea why that was the case, what I’m doing now seems to be some kind of progression from it. If I have an idea that I want to explore, or anger and frustration with anything that I feel needs to be released, I’ll perform some sort of monologue in my head all about it. Alternatively – and I kid you not – I’ll have an argument about these matters. With myself. Debating whatever I love or hate about whatever it may be.

Judge me if you like, given that you most likely don’t do this, but before you do I should tell you that although I was baffled myself upon realising that it was happening on a regular basis, it actually works! To focus on something and get the words out in my mind, either as a long rant or an argument, is to give me less cause to inconvenience somebody else’s day with it. I can feel the stress and the pressure spilling out from my inner brain, and although it doesn’t leave the confines of my head, I always feel sufficiently calm afterwards. It has much the same effect as meditation in the end, except that instead of focusing on nothingness to clear my thoughts, I’m trying to stamp them out. I recognise that it might just sound like I’m giving myself more reasons to be stressed, and that such methods won’t work for everyone, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised by how well they’ve worked.

With these developments, however, I have been wondering whether using myself as an opponent in an argument has some sort of deeper meaning, like I’m a substitute for somebody else who should be there but isn’t – particularly when I’m looking into my own emotions or am conflicted by them. If that’s the case, my methods might be incorporating yet another reminder that I should get out more, but either way, and regardless of how odd you might now think I am, I couldn’t have foreseen how much some sources of concern have been eased by some inner, “one to one” expression.

Mason

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