The other day my friend David described this blog as “amusing, mixed with sad, mixed with intrigue.” I was thrilled by the fact that he’d enjoyed what he’d read, but also by his specific feedback, because it was succinct but telling at the same time. It proves that, in at least one post, I have successfully juggled three pretty big emotions that I wanted to include, but also that buzzwords – single prompts that I’m always hoping will launch something – do still work.
I remain a firm believer in clinging onto any kind of small idea. On this blog there’s plenty of material, and in its Trash folder there are currently 10 discarded posts. At the time I obviously thought each one of them to be inferior to any of those you’ve seen, but I still hope that one day I can look back at them and find something worth using or putting out there – regardless of how big or small they may be. Regretfully, however, nobody can do that when they are speaking, and over the past year and a half or so I have felt as though I struggle to focus when I do it. If there’s something that I want explained or information I need to obtain, I often find that my mind is a shambles. I can’t narrow the words down to the ones I want, the exact things I’m going to say. As a result, they come out in entirely the wrong way, usually as I trip over them – and occasionally not at all. I do realise that others deal with proper speech impediments, and to an extent that is far more severe, but nevertheless I do sometimes feel belittled when I splutter my words even after having considered them beforehand. I’ve noticed it becoming more frequent in recent months, and it can be both embarrassing and – at times – rather frustrating. It can be more difficult to believe in the confidence I know I could have most of the time when my speech doesn’t always let me prove it. In a way, it is rather inconvenient, especially as I may need to be able to apply for jobs without worrying about any judgements that might arise from it.
When I think about this, however, I realise that maybe I have been treating too much with a sense of desperation. I sometimes cram too many thoughts into my head, resulting in the verbal diarrhoea, but perhaps it would be key to be calm. I need buzzwords inside my head, just like the ones David used to describe this blog, and the more often I use them to get a clearer focus on things, the more composed my speech can be. When this happens, I will be at peace, and able to venture in a more relaxed manner into whatever comes my way. David’s words couldn’t have come at a better time.